


I will tell you my sins so you can sharpen your knife

by MsSunfire



Series: Brick by boring brick [1]
Category: Hawkeye (Comics), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Dark, Drug Addiction, Fix-It, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Love, Multi, My First Fanfic, Soul Bond, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Soulmates, Suicidal Thoughts, What Have I Done
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-20
Updated: 2015-02-20
Packaged: 2018-03-13 21:42:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,084
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3397397
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MsSunfire/pseuds/MsSunfire
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“You have heart….”<br/>It burned, crawled inside of his skin and took over every cell inside. It whispered darkness, consumed his heart and bled black. The words seducing him into darkness binding to him to his master and he had no soul, only the desire to fill his needs. Obey.<br/>“Come little hawk” Death whispered inside his ear. The words vibrated down his spine, caressing his body. “You heart is mine”<br/>The fire danced across his skin, searing him raw. The thrill of his heart beat upon his chest, ready to burst out and end the pain. It was endless years of pain in seconds. Only the raw magic of Loki coursed through his body, nothing mattered but that. Blooded roared through his body, screaming to be shed, itching to let loose the chaos that crawled underneath the surface. Its was maddening, being consumed as a whole and then suddenly it was over. There was peace.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I will tell you my sins so you can sharpen your knife

“You have heart….”

It burned, crawled inside of his skin and took over every cell inside. It whispered darkness, consumed his heart and bled black. The words seducing him into darkness binding to him to his master and he had no soul, only the desire to fill his needs. Obey.

“Come little hawk” Death whispered inside his ear. The words vibrated down his spine, caressing his body. “You heart is mine”

The fire danced across his skin, searing him raw. The thrill of his heart beat upon his chest, ready to burst out and end the pain. It was endless years of pain in seconds. Only the raw magic of Loki coursed through his body, nothing mattered but that. Blooded roared through his body, screaming to be shed, itching to let loose the chaos that crawled underneath the surface. Its was maddening, being consumed as a whole and then suddenly it was over. There was peace.

It all made sense, this being coming and taking his life away. Shedding his meaningless existence of being mortal. The pain was gone, the troubles over, his past didn’t mean anything anymore. It was a pure escape from reality, better than any drug he had attempted. Freedom. It breathed life into him. He would do anything for his new handler, master, God. Thats all that mattered.

Then as suddenly as it happened, it ended with a blow to his head and Tasha was there bringing back the pain. The reality of his life. The haunted past, the deeds that shaped him, the redemption he longed for. And it hurt. knowing what he did to them all while free, it hurt more than before. He longed for the blank spaces again. The numb kindness of freedom with Loki.

****  
  
  


Clint woke with a start, knife gripped in his hands. Sweat soaked his body, cooling the burning fever from the dream. Tears pooled in his eyes, stinging the sleep away. He swept his eyes around the room assessing for any intruders, only to find the sounds of his labored breath and the dim glow of a chem light.  With a groan, he ran his hand through his hair, falling back upon the ratty mattress.

“I can’t do this anymore…” He whispered into the room.

468 days since Loki, 468 days since he fled after the battle of New York. Smile at Tasha, saying he was going to see if his place was still standing. 468 days since he just picked up and left.

“Clint, where are you going” Tasha asked as he walked out the towers door.

“I am just going to go clean up, maybe take a nap, check on Luck, you know see if the building is still standing and the track suit vamps didn’t come back, maybe call Phil see if he is alright” Clint shrugged with an easy smile.

Natasha just stared at him with a knowing look and turned her back to look out down the street.

“ I understand, I will see you later, when you feel better”  She said opening the door to the tower and Clint he just turned and walked away. All the way to the pier, stowing away on the first boat he came across.

4:14 am, two hours of sleep he thought as he glanced at his watch. For months Clint drifted across the world from safe house to safe house. Until they all ran out and he was left to drift around aimlessly. He knew time was running out sheild would either catch up with him or worse Natasha would.

He sat up on the side of the bed, pulling a cigarette out and lit it. Taking a long drag he started to pack his rucksack. Few knifes, a gun, and a couple bottles of water. Strapped it up, slipped on his black boots and grey hoodie and stood. With one last glance around the room he caught his reflection in the broken mirror on the wall and stared.

He didn't look like Clint Barton anymore, Hawkeye was long gone now and in its place was someone new. A beard graced his face now, scraggled and wiley blond hair. His eye sickened, dark circles surrounding them. His hair dirty and oily from weeks of being unwashed, dinged with dirt.

WIth lightning reflexes his arm shot out and two short loud bangs were heard. The mirror on the wall shattered on the floor and Clint Barton stood shaking with a loaded gun aimed at the wall. With a pull back he brought it to his head and cocked it. He took a long breath and let it out slowly. He pulled his finger slowly, waiting for the numbing silence of death. Then he voice sounded in his head. Sweet and innocent acting like a angel.

“ Go ahead buddy,I know you want to do it, so why dont you”

With unleashed rage, Clint brought the gun down, turned and punched the wall, leaving a gaping hole inside of it. He couldn’t do it, he made a promise.  Tears poured harder and he slid down the wall. Pulling up his sleeve he looked at the words printed in black on his skin. Blinking back his eyes he tried to remember her face.

Clint hated the desert and the heat and the sand and the stupid desert. Camped out in New mexico watching a stupid hammer in the ground had to be the worse assignment ever. He just had to go and mouth off to Fury about the last handler that wasn’t Phil he did a Op with. Ughg this had to suck worse the Budapest.

Swiping the sweat off his forehead with his sleeve his gaze was drawn to the Jane fosters intern. Darcy Lewis was engaged in a aggravated argument with his handler. Coulson looked amused from the trained eye, but the girl she was getting louder and louder by the minute. Yelling about a stupid iPod that was gripped in her hands. Pushing him self off the wall Clint stalked closer.

“Look here Agent stoic, I don't care if you think my iPod has vital information. It has all my damn playlists in it. That I paid for damn myself. “

“Miss Lewis if you dont calm down I will have my Agent her escort you outside and remove your from premises.”

“Go right ahead, Asshole. I will taze his and your happy ass clear to Asgard.”

Clint smirked and moved forward right into her view and aim. He arched an eyebrow at her and glanced at Coulson for a signal. With a stiff nod, Coulson turned and walked to the other side of the room to where Jane Foster typed oblivious on to her laptop. Clint Turned his gaze back to the girl and shifted in her direction.

“ Go ahead buddy,I know you want to do it, so why don't you” She glared at him with fire. The words startled him to the core, the same words printed on his skin since he was 10.

He turned his back to her and spoke “ Hey coulson I am going to take Miss Lewis for a little walk to cool down, Be back in a few?” With a look back and a nod coulson turned back to to his conversation with Dr.Foster.

He turned back to Darcy and gestured with his hand for her to walk forward out the door. With a sharp huff she stomped out the door and into the scorching heat. Clint followed behind assessing how to deal with the new complication. He didn’t do well with emotions and for the most he hated what she would think of him.

She stomped forward, clutching the taser in her hands with determination. The further they walked away from the building the angrier she seemed to become. Until she whirled around and set her sights on him.

“Listen up Agent Block head, I just want my damn iPod and 6 credits to graduate school. Not sign some stupid NDA about Aliens. God this is so fucked up. I mean do you  guys always try to ruin someones lives or is it just people who work hard. I worked so hard for my degree and here you guys are just to fuck it all up. Political science is not a cakewalk you know, and this was the only internship still available! Ughg are you just going to stand there and stare or what?”

Clint smirked and rushed forward to stand right in front of her. Looked right in her eyes and laughed .

“Do you always talk so fast?”

Darcy’s eyes became impossibly wide, like a startled deer caught off guard. He mouth fell open and lips tried to form words. Clint huffed a laugh again at her speechlessness.

“My name is Agent Clint Barton, Miss Lewis, Not block head.”

“Ummm Sorry, well not so much, yeah thats a little embarrassing” She blushed

“How about we get some coffee or a beer, maybe?” Clint scratched the back of his head awkwardly.

“Awe your cute, dont know how to ask a girl out!! I will teach you everything I know about proper flirting and then we can go back to my place and ditch the shirt so I can map out you arms with my tongue”

Clint smiled and shook his head, held out his head awkwardly. She smiled and took it with a flourish. “ Come on hot stuff, you got much to learn in the art of being one Darcy lewis’ soulmates” Clint’s laughter rang out in the desert as they walked back to the building.

He left her back in New Mexico, 473 days ago, for just an observation OP. Glorified babysitting, While she tended to Dr.Foster. Then Loki happened. She problemy assumed he was died or worse in a cell rotting for what he did. Someone from shield might have told her, not that they knew they were soul mates, what he did. She probably hated him, wanted him to be in pain.

He ripped his bag off his shoulders and rummaged through it. Pulling out a small plastic container, he flipped open the cover and pulled out three small blue pills with tiny X’s. He shook, popping them into his mouth and with a quick swallow he waited for the endless reality to fade away to bliss.

It didn't hurt in the darkness. The floating began slowly but suddenly, until all he felt was the waves of the earth around him. The colors of the world bleed from the edges of his reality and sounds faded from his mind. Death crept back slowly to his ear.

“Clint, stay with me, don’t go”

Death sounded sweet and innocent like his fire angel. Like Darcy. He missed her so much, wanted to express how sorry he was for leaving her. Wanted to build a life with her and the words down his back. All that mattered anymore was keeping Darcy safe, but death spoke soothingly to his mind.

“Clint listen to me, I am right here, you have to stay with me now. I dont want to loose you”

Clint smiled and rested his head back onto the wall. It would be so nice to stay here with death, to stay here with freedom and that voice. It didn’t hurt anymore in the darkness. It was free there.

****  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“Tasha we are losing him, Get the Narcan from the bag, Hurry” Bruce's voice rang across the quinjet. “ I have to see if we can reverse the effect of the drugs, to stabilize him, Darcy keep talking to him, keep him with us.”

Darcy clutch Clint’s head tighter in her arms, she ran her fingers through his hair. 475 days since she last saw him. Last kissed him. And this right now might be her last chance to be with him.

“Don’t leave me Clint, I just found you again” She whispered with tears.

“Don’t leave Clint, I just found you again” Clint smiled into the darkness…….

****  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Beep.

****  
  


Beep.

****  
  


Beep.

****  
  


Beep.

Beep.

****  
  
  


Clint groaned into the darkness….

Beep.

****  
  


Beep.

****  
  


“Clint wake up”

Beep.

Beep.

Beep.

“Barton, hang in there….its not over”

****  
  


Beep.

Beep.

Beep.

“Merida, your taking up space in my tower, wake your ass up”

****  
  


Beep.

Beep.

Beep.

“Просыпайтесь брат, я до сих пор красный в моей книге как и вы”

Beep.

****  
  


Beep.

Beep.

“Hail, young Archer, your lady awaits”

Beep.

Beep.

Beep.

Beep.

“Clint, you Block head I miss you wake up…...I love you”

Beep.

Beep.

****  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


****  
  
  


 

**Author's Note:**

> I needed a break form studying, this happened. I want to write a sequel but i want to see if there is a response from this before i do lol. Thanks for reading. Sadly this story was inspired by nursing school and the effects on people with emotional and physical trauma and drugs. 
> 
> Narcan is a dug for people overdosing to immediately reverse the effects of some drugs, its pretty freak en amazing!
> 
> If you can name the drug he took I will give you a cookie lol


End file.
